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32 Reasons to Major in English
On top of making you employable, it makes you a more interesting person — it’s a truly enjoyable and elucidating course of study that teaches you what elucidating means and that anastrophe isn’t a sex act gone wrong.
You can eloquently and effectively bullshit about any situation, argument, point, or topic.
Your coursework has you constantly making assertions and defending arguments — like why you became an English Major in the first place.
Emma Watson’s got one. Mitt Romney’s got one. Conan O’Brien’s got one. So do the CEOs of HBO, Starbucks, YouTube, and me.
You’d be amazed by how relaxing it is to not have to worry about finding a job because there’s nothing you can do about it.
In this millennial branding survey, only 18 percent wanted finance and accounting majors — 30 percent of employers specifically wanted liberal arts majors, just behind the 34 percent looking for engineering and mathematics majors.
You’ll be like Sherlock, noticing everything, wondering what the reason is. Deducing your ass off.
You’ll develop a keen attention to detail, like how I skipped number 6 and how there are actually 31 items in this list.
You’ll spend a fraction of what other majors spend each semester on books. Blow it all on Irish stouts and whiskeys — you know, keep it in the Empire.
If someone replies to what’s your favorite book with I don’t read, then you can safely assume that it’s because they lack the requisite mental faculties. Swipe left.
Grammar isn’t really something you cover directly — but you become so accustomed to seeing grammatically correct, elegant prose that using it becomes second nature.
90 percent of employers in a recent Pew study ranked it as the most important skill — over math and science. Share that with your parents next time you’re home from break.
You can skate through almost every English paper if you just assert that something about the text is referring to the author’s latent homosexuality or character’s genitalia and back it up with examples.
Nothing will convince people to let you choose the movie next time like dropping a scathing diatribe on the pseudo-misogynist egalitarian themes of Zootopia on the ride home.
If you ever want to punish your parents for something, declare for English.
Trust me, we’re pretty much the only ones that wish assignments were longer.
Nothing confuses and annoys a friend as much as comparing them to a minor character from Shakespeare. “Wow, how about your kingdom for a horse, King Richard? Real dick move there.”
The English major is the #1 undergraduate major for law school students, primarily because it trains you to take positions and support them no matter your personal feelings. And even law school is better than Uber.
Nothing gets you out of having to give someone a ride to the airport or a hand moving like having schoolwork — non-English majors have no idea that 40 pages of reading isn’t that bad.
It takes guts to criticize Shakespeare to a professor who did his PhD on Shakespeare in your Introduction to Shakespeare class.
In your career, you’ll have to do these things for which you don’t have innate fascination. It’s a slog, but you’ll develop the capacity to throw yourself into any task and develop instant passion, just to get it done.
You develop an intuition for how systems and process works. To read closely is to reflect on values and ends, not just means.
You’ll develop a need to rush out and buy the book first for every new release so you can authoritatively tell people that the book was better.
Reading the best literature the world has to offer means that you’re seeing into the minds of the most masterful communicators performing at their best.
Sure, they’re soft skills, but an English Major’s tools for analysis, forming cogent arguments, and communicating them will never be obsolete.
A lot of classes are more like engaging discussions than rote lectures, which develops your communication skills — and keeps you from getting lost in #cats on your laptop during class..
Your assigned reading is mostly entertaining — although reading Chaucer critiques can be like dragging your genitals through broken glass.
But it sure makes your walk to class easier.
Time spent completing labs is, for you, time spent reading literature. Time spent writing lab reports is, for you, time spent finding the best wifi spot to camp out in.
You begin to realize what people were like and what motivated them — instead of grouping them as the homogenous “people from history” who did dumb things like believing in bloodletting and a flat Earth.
The personal library you accrue out of necessity — book buybacks are a waste of time— is awesome. They’re a pain to move, but all of those dense books will suitably impress/intimidate visitors to your new home.
It might be a nightmare to some people, but if your time management skills are solid then you just write a few papers each semester. No sweat.
If you’re not so good at the time management thing, you’ll get practice from brainstorming last-minute ideas.
We’re the geeky fun type who can talk about anything. And seriously, have you ever spent more than five minutes with a pretentious philosophy major with their clove cigarettes or neurotic pre-med kids?
Deciding to get your degree in English is kind of a bold move these days.
There’s an obscene amount of jokes out there about the uselessness of the major — zingers regurgitated by the uncreative turds who wouldn’t be able to hack it as an English major.
Let me tell you, the English Major’s got plenty of value, and not just as an inefficient way to spend four years and an ungodly amount of money.
To study composition is to learn how to inform, to persuade, to instruct, and to inspire others effectively via language — to learn about people and how they express their experience of the world.
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