Everything you need to know in order to lose your job, or everything you should avoid doing if you want to keep your job.
Have you found yourself in work situation that just isn’t…working out? If you wake up every morning thinking “God, I wish they would just fire me already,” you’re not alone. At one point or another, we all find ourselves working at jobs that we aren’t necessarily head over heels for.
There are better means to leaving an ill-fitting job than getting fired. For instance, you could simply quit your job and end on a good note with your employer, maintaining your reputation and adding another person to your list of references.
But here’s the kicker:
Some people hate their jobs, but aren’t financially able to be unemployed by choice. Getting fired gives you the possibility of being offered a severance package or filing for unemployment, which can help with financial burdens while giving you time to find a new job.
If you’re not worried about carrying around the stigma of being “that person who got fired,” we’ve got good news for you — getting fired is easier than you might think! Follow these 12 tips that are sure to help you lose your job.
This one’s a classic. Getting to work on time is for suck-ups and people who actually care about their jobs, right? In that case, why not hit your snooze button two or ten times. And while you’re at it, showing up with Starbucks in-hand will be that final touch for your nonchalant “I don’t care about working” look.
When you first get to your desk, take a few minutes or an hour or two to get really nestled in for the day. Drink your Starbucks, check your phone, watch a funny YouTube video or five. This will surely show your boss and you coworkers that you really have no commitment to getting any work done at all. Hey, at least you’re there, right?
Only an hour for lunch? And you don’t get paid? Who are they kidding? You’re no chump. Take as much time as you need to catch up with an old friend, take that perfect Instagram-worthy picture of your meal, and run a few errands. The office still be there when you get back.
What’s lunch without a couple drinks to take the edge off? Who cares if you come back to the office reeking of a brewery and can’t focus on your work, those chumps are just party poopers. After all, haters gonna hate — am I right?
You spend about 8 hours at your job (on a good day), if you can’t make all of your personal calls to each of your friends throughout the day, when else are you going to be able to find the time?
Just go ahead and knock out all of your phone calls at work. And while you’re at it, feel free to take your time chatting about the weather and such.
Who cares what they think, they’re not the ones who sign off on your paycheck. Why are they so needy anyway?
If you handle customers in person, just go ahead and ignore them and don’t answer their questions. They can find someone else who actually cares.
If you speak with customers or clients mostly by phone, just keep your line busy so they can’t get through — and if they’re bold enough to leave you a message, just go ahead and erase that sucker and never return their calls.
If your friends aren’t available when you’re making all of your personal calls, you can always turn to Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, or whatever other social media millennials are into these days.
Make sure to also send out lots of personal emails throughout the day using your work email address. Go ahead and download a bunch music and movies to your work computer while you’re at it.
And if you want to lose your job faster than you can say “I quit,” surf some adult websites! Those “NSFW” tags are just meant to ward off weenies who want to keep their jobs anyway.
What’s the point of going beyond your job description if you’re just trying to get fired anyway? Even if a project or assignment is down to the wire and your coworkers desperately need an extra set of hands, just watch from the sidelines and watch them sweat. After all, it’s not even your job.
This is a good route to take if you already know you want to get fired before you even start your job. You already know that your employers are going to look into the information you provide and hold you responsible for it, so what’s the point of telling the truth if you just want to leave after a few weeks anyway?
Being honest and forthcoming about your strengths and qualifications on your resume and cover letter basically just tells employers “I want to work here forever and never get fired.” So if that’s not the case for you, you might as well just go ahead and load that bad boy up with a bunch of lies about your education and work experience.
If you’re looking for a new job and don’t mind getting fired from your current job, why not just go ahead and apply for other positions from your work computer?
Feel free to send chat messages and emails to other employers or use them to tell your friends about how excited you are to get a new job. There’s a chance that your work computer and messages are being monitored, so this a great method to use to get fired if you don’t mind looking like a huge jerk.
To be able to do your job effectively, you’ll need the support and cooperation of your colleagues. So if it happens that you’re trying to get fired, it’s probably in your best interest to alienate them entirely and make them think that you hate them.
What’s the best way to go about this? An easy way to get a head start is to become the office gossip and say mean things about all of your coworkers. Once you’ve detached yourself from everyone in the office, you’re sure to get kicked out of there and replaced by someone else. It’s a win-win for everyone!
If you want to get fired from your job, blame everyone else for your mistakes! Not taking ownership for mistakes you’ve made or refusing to ask for help is a great way to show your employers that you’re completely undependable and untrustworthy.
The truth about your mistakes will surface eventually, and they’ll end up biting you in the ass. But if you’re trying to lose your job, that’s only good news!
If your new job isn’t working out and you’re confident in your ability to find a new, better job without too much hassle, then you should consider simply quitting your job and moving on with your life without burning any bridges.
If quitting and ending on a peaceful note just isn’t an option and you’d rather go out with a bang and cause a ruckus, well, now you know what to do.
And on the other hand, if you’re super in love with your job and want to stay there forever, now you know all the mistakes you should avoid making so you can keep your dream job. We here at Zippia like to help everyone. You’re welcome.
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